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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 01.29.2007

January 29th, 2007 by RJ45

Shawn Michaels: I lost the Rumble. Undertaker won. We don’t know where he will go. He could go face Smackdown’s Batista. He could take the mule to the top of the mountain. It is the same price! Hell, he could go to ECW and take on Lashley
Crowd: ECW SUCKS!
::Cena interrupts::
John Cena: Why yes, he could take on Batista or Lashley
Crowd: ECW SUCKS!
::Dr. Conchairto aka Edge interrupts::
Dr. Conchairto: Yes, Undertaker does have the option of Batista or Lashley
Crowd: ECW SUCKS!
::Randy Orton interrupts::
Orton: Now wait just a damn minute. I want a title shot
Dr. Conchairto: You don’t deserve one
Orton: And I want my title…wait. Wait…I lost my place. GOD DAMMIT! Wha…wha…Edge…err…Dr. Conchairto, what did you mean by that? I thought we were buddies! STATING THE OBVIOUS!
::Vince interrupts on the big screen::
Vince McMahon: Do you think I am retarded enough to give away my Wrestlemania main event on free TV? I mean, who would be retarded enough to do that?
::TNA’s Booking Committee points at Vince Russo::
Vince Russo: HEY!
Vince McMahon: But we will have the predictable tag match… FOR THE TAG TEAM TITLES!
Dr. Conchairto: Wait a minute…that’s right!
Randy Orton: Shit, I forgot we were even champions!

WGTT: We’re great!
Cryme Tyme: We steal!
WGTT: Stealing is wrong…you perpetuate negative African-American stereotypes!..
Cryme Tyme: SAY WWWHHHHAAAAATTT?!
::World’s Greatest Tag Team wins::

Coach: What are we going to do tonight, Vince?
Vince: The same thing we do every night, Coachy…TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Melina: AAAAGHHHHH!!!!
Maria: As if!
::Melina wins::

Melina: So, I hear that you think you will keep the title…
Mickie James: Well, actually…
Melina: YOU THINK THAT!
Mickie James: I didn’t say anything!
Melina: YOU WHORE! AGHGHHH!
Mickie James: I beg your pardon?

Val Venis: YES! I’m on TV baby!
UUUMMMAAAGGGAAA: Grrr!
Val Venis: Oh fuck me!
::UUUMMMAAAGGGAAA wins::

Vince: Today is FFAAANNN APPRECIATION NIGHT!
Fans: Yawn…
Holy Fuck, Its Trump: Vince, you suck!
Vince: DONNY! YOU CAME! I’ve been trying to call you! I wrote a letter! DONNNNYYYY!!! WHHHYYYY???!!!
Holy Fuck, Its Trump: This segment is about as boring as you are in bed. Sorry fans…but here’s some money
Fans: MMMOOONNEEEYYYY!!!
Vince: WHY?! DONNY! WHY?!

Vince: Coach! I have never been so humiliated in my life!
Coach: What about Stone Cold hitting you over the head with the bed pan? What about the XFL? What about getting hit with the beer bath by Stone Cold? What about your own wife kicking you in the junk on Pay-Per View? What about you getting caught checking out your own daughter’s rack on live TV? What about your head getting shoved up Big Show’s ass?
Vince: … … … … …

Carlito: Dude, why do I keep on following Vince’s segments?
Super Crazy: SI SENOR!
Chris Masters: I have the Masterlock! Its never been broken!
Kenny Dykstra: Look at my incredibly gay tights!
::Carlito and Super Crazy win::

Todd: Randy, how can you co-exist with Edge?
Randy Orton: STATING THE OBVIOUS!

Jeff Hardy: So, who am I facing tonight? Johnny Nitro?
The Great Khali: Grasjfh ksjkjs hhurj hjfh!!!!
Jeff Hardy: Is this a rib?
The Great Khali: Gi4ji 93ufs fksjdk sdjf kj!!!!
Jeff Hardy: Hey fucktard! I bet you can’t beat me…BY COUNTOUT!
The Great Khali: SJDK $I% GJSDFKJ SDFKJS#!!!!
::Great Khali wins by countout::

Vladimer Koslov: I LUV DOUBLE DOUBLE EEE!!
Crowd: Booo! He has an accent!

Dr. Conchairto: You know, I didn’t even remember I had these stupid belts until like 2 hours ago!
Randy Orton: Yeah Edge! STATING THE OBVIOUS!
Dr. Conchairto: God…SHUT UP!
Shawn Michaels: Hey guys! Match here!
John Cena: YEAH! Dumbasses!
Randy Orton: Hey! Why don’t you guys make like a tree and get out of here!
::Cena & Michaels win…and are the NNEEEEWWWW World Tag Team Champions!::
The Undertaker: Cena! I AM YOUR FATHER!
JR: By gawd! Boomer Sooner! BBQ SAUCE! The Undertaker could be facing John Cena at Wrestlemania! Two Dollar Steaks! New Tag Team Champions! Government Mules! That damn Jezebel!

RJ45’s Notes:

Yeah, this will be the last week of Edge being referred to as Dr. Conchairto! Thanks to 5iN for pointing last week’s blunder out.
Is it just me, or has Orton’s promos become bad…really bad the past few months? He’s just become the master at stating the absolute obvious. As if the audience doesn’t know how to use their five senses to pick anything he says up. You know its bad whenever you have to tell a wrestler to BE MORE SUBTLE.
Can you name all of the pop culture references I tried to work in this week?
I like how JR just assumed Undertaker chose Cena. I wouldn’t be surprised if Taker made an appearance on ECW tomorrow, and then finally chose Batista.
Not much else to note. I read in a rumor that Shawn Michaels will represent Trump and King Booker will represent Vince in the big Vince vs. Trump at Wrestlemania? Damn these rumored cards keep on sucking more than the last one. I think its obvious that the money match is Cena vs. HBK vs. Orton vs. Edge.