Mr. McMahon: Screw Papa Roach! I want to know who my son is.
Coach: YEAH! Especially considering that half of everything in this case has violated 100s of civil liberties in real life.
Mr. McMahon: Real life?
Coach: Whoops…
Mr. McMahon: Yeah, and I want to find out which WWO Superstar is my bastard son! We know it isn’t Kennedy since he was recently found out he did steroids. Coach! Rip up this mag.
Coach: I can’t! You try ripping through 200 pages at once!
Mr. McMahon: Now, lets find out who my son is…
RJ45: Please not Khali or Snitsky. Please not Khali or Snitsky
Great Khali: Gksdjfreat Ksfhjsdhali MskjkjkjjscMahon!
RJ45: Shiiiit.,,
Punjabi Bischoff: I have the charisma of a rock! But you gotta admit, Khali does have his chin, but perhaps not his mic skills…
JBL: It could be me! But, I have lots of money, so why would she be suing for money when I have it? I even bought the first 3 seconds of A-Train’s old theme song! I don’t resemble you much at all. Plus, I am retired, so it can’t be me.
Mr. McMahon: Where is that gay black lawyer at?
Jeff Hardy: It could be me!
Mr. McMahon: I said gay black lawyer, not gay rainbow wrestler!
Gay Black Lawyer: Mister McMahon! I will reveal it later!
Coach: Hey! You can’t do that! I saw that on an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit! You have to reveal the name, and you should have done it weeks ago!
Mr. McMahon: Take a Paxil, spaz. Now, Jeff Hardy, you must face Khali, because we all know that match went well months ago!

Paul London: They gave me a title reign this past week since I didn’t reveal that the ECW Main Event for Unforgiven is CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke
Brian Kendrick: DUUDE! SHUT UP!
Lance Cade: I’ve lost some weight recently!
Trevor Murdoch: So have I! I am no longer constipated!
::Paul London wins::

Event Staff: We’re each getting paid $50 bucks for this segment tonight!

Coach: Meet who could be your son…
Mr. McMahon: Oooh! Oooh! Who? Who?
Coach: Stevie Richards!
Stevie Richards: Hi!
Mr. McMahon: I think I just got socks for Christmas… BUWAHAHAHA!
Coach: Dude, you didn’t have to be such a dick about it…
Mr. McMahon Okay, who else might be my son?
Coach: Triple H
Mr. McMahon: … … … … … …

Triple H: Since I can’t decide which theme song I am going to use, I have kidna… got Motorhead to do another theme song for me!
:: Meanwhile in some seedy basement ::
Mickie Dee: Wha… what the fuck?
Phil Cambell: Oh god, not again.
Lemmy: What the, uh uh uh, fuck, mate, duh…uh…? Why webuh in dese chains, duh…uh…? Oh, don’t tell me dat sputid wrestleh is at it again! Doihh, COOL!
Mickie Dee: Look! The TV! There is that weird clown puppet from that one famous horror movie…
The Saw Puppet: Hello Motorhead, I want to play a game…
Phil Cambell: You know, if Triple H wants us to write him a new song, he just ask to ask us. He doesn’t have to keep on doing this bullshit!
Lemmy: Yeah, webuh made the, uh uh uh, fuckigg Ace of Spades, duuhhhh, man! Doihh, COOL!
:: Back to the match ::
Triple H: Okay, what monster do you have to face me this week!
Shelton Benjamin: Me!
Triple H: Well, that’s a bit anticlimatic, don’t you think?
Carlito: Sorry man, after all of the injured wrestlers, wrestlers under scandal for their “candy” usage, and the wrestlers already committed to something, this guy was left!
:: Triple wins ::
Coach: Your match at Unforgiven has all kinds of fucked up stipulations

Randy Orton: This Sunday, I will become the WWO Champion!
John Cena: I can go through anybody!
Event Staff: You can’t fight us! Look at us! We are in pink shirts with the words EVENT STAFF written on it!
John Cena: I don’t think so, Johnny!
Event Stuff: Oh wow… he looks tough, we better let him in the ring…

Mr. McMahon: Coach! YOU SUCK!
Coach: You didn’t say that. You were just mad!
John Cena: ARGH! RAGE! Vince! Vince!
Mr. McMahon: There is no Vince here!
John Cena: Well
Mr. McMahon: I had a dad. … Daaaadddyyy??
:: Mr. McMahon stares off into space and a tear comes to his eye ::

Candice Michelle: My old theme song was fine, but now I have a lesser theme song. Come on! Its not like a new theme song has ever killed a diva’s heat before.
Victoria: Bastards…
Mickie James: Look at my HAWT new hair in my cowgirl getup I have going on here
14 Year Old Boys in Restrooms: Wow…I’m looking…
Jillian Hall: I love singing
14 Year Old Boys in Restrooms: Forgot to turn down the volume…
::Mickie James wins::
14 Year Old Boys in Restrooms: Well, that was fucking quick!
Beth Phoenix: RAR! I’m strong! I am a Glamazon!

Santino Marella: Hey look! I wasn’t suspended! Wah! Yah! Mah! YAAAHHHOOO! Waha!
The Sandman: Alright, you primitive screw-head, listen up! See this? This… is my boomstick! Hail to the king, baby!
Santino Marella: Fool me once, shame on… crap, what order does this go in again?
:: The Sandman wins ::

Diva Search: All that matters is that this is not taking all that TV time anymore.

Great Khali: Iksjdk ajkjkjm MsdfkjsdkjcMahon.
Punjabi Bischoff: I have fake hair.
Jeff Hardy: So do I!
:: Great Khali wins ::
Batista: Time to get some SmackDown business going here!

Mr. McMahon: OKAY! JUST FUCKING SPILL IT ALREADY!
WWO Superstars: Yeah, really!
Gay Black Lawyer: He isn’t in a box, or with a fox. He isn’t in a house, or with a mouse. He isn’t here or there. He is not Green Eggs and Ham! But he does like to play the game!
Triple H: Dammit Vince! I do not want to be referred to as Uncle Dad!
Gay Black Lawyer: The game of LIFE! It is… HORNSWOGGLE!
Hornswoggle McMahon: YEEAAAHHH! I got a permanent pay check in WWO!

• At the beginning of the show, I was said to my mom, “Watch it be something stupid, like Hornswoggle.” But, at least everyone I DIDN’T want it to be on the account of a huge push be given to them wasn’t picked. With all of the injured wrestlers and the ones on suspension, Hornswoggle was probably the most harmless choice… although we all feel a little short changed on the payoff. HA! I am so punny!
• Seriously, I was typing McMahon’s “Gay Black Lawyer” like 3 seconds before Jeff Hardy’s theme hit. I swear to god.
• When Stevie Richards was presented, Mr. McMahon looked like he just got socks from his Grandmother for Christmas. PRICELESS reaction.
• Should Triple H being hinted as the Jigsaw killer be a running gag or a one-shot?
• I totally missed the WWE Diva Search segment. I was too busy looking up Evil Dead quotes. However, did I catch that they are finally going to leave this bullshit on the website and not on RAW? SWEET! If you care, go to the site, that Brooke chick is almost a dead ringer for Stacy Keibler in her headshot.
• You know the roster is depleted when they have to run a SmackDown segment on Raw.

My Predictions for Sunday
John Cena vs. Randy Orton. Winner: John Cena
Great Khali vs. Batista vs. Rey Mysterio Winner: Khali
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry Winner: Seriously?
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke Winner: Punk
Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix Winner: Phoenix
Cade/Murdoch vs. Kendrick/London Winners: Cade/Murdoch
Deuce & Domino vs. Hardy/MVP Winners: Deuce & Domino
Triple H vs. Carlito Winner: Triple H