3 Weeks Ago: Randy is SOOO CRAZY!
Last Night: Randy is SOOO CRAZY! As you is, John Cena! … and Father Cena!

John Cena: I am now champion for ONE YEAR. Longest reigning champ since Mister Bolea! My pappy is so brave! I love my father! Thank you Daddy! Thank you Orton! Thank you Coach!
Coach: Don’t you go thanking me! Nobody thanks Coach and gets away with it!
John Cena: You can’t scare me, Fred Flinstone is featured in the first 10 seconds of my theme song! YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!
Coach: That’s it! Your pappy has a match with Orton TOOONNIIIIGGGGGHHHHTTT!!!
JR: BY GAWD! BOOMER SOONER! BBQ SAUCE! I’m having a fucking stroke! What absurdity! BIZNESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!

Jeff Hardy: Me… Intercontinental Champion!
Shelton Benjamin: Hey! I think we go to the same hair dresser!
Jeff Hardy: Me… think so… too!
:: Jeff Hardy wins ::

Diva Search: Pointless T & A!

Mr. McMahon: GRR!!! I’m unhappy!
Coach: Don’t worry, be happy!
Hornswoggle: I always love me Lucky Charms!

John Cena: Call off the match! OR… I will KILL YOU!
Coach: I will, if you defeat an opponent of MY choosing!
John Cena: Okay, I’ll get ready for Snitsky.
Coach: Its NOT Snitsky!
John Cena: Yeah sure… tell Snitsky I’ll be ready for him.

Mr. McMahon: Who did this to my room?!
Unicorn: Beats the shit out of me.

Davairi: A flag match?
Jim Doogan: HOOO!!!
Davairi: Hacksnort?
:: Jim Doogan wins ::

Santino Marella: Mamia! Where is a Maria? My sweet sweet Maria! I’m going to make her a pizza pie!
Jillian Hall: She doesn’t want to talk to you, but I want to sing to you.
Santino Marella: :: We here a “DONG!” Santino shrugs his shoulders, jumps up, and falls off the screen… 3 lives left ::

Mr. McMahon: Okay, bring out my midget!
Hornswoggle: Hey! We’re little people!
Mr. McMahon: Nobody corrects MISTER McMAHON! I am putting you up for adoption!
The Coskies: Come here son!
Hornswoggle: RARRRR! Nobody going to steal me pot of gold!
Mr. McMahon: Get out of here you Little Bastard! See, nobody is going to save you now!
Fit Finlay: God dammit! Somebody stole my plane ticket! I’m too old to be ribbed!
Triple H: Hey Mister! You had sex with a midget! Was she magically delicious and part of this complete breakfast, OR IS THAT COCOA PUFFS!
Mr. McMahon: That’s it! Enough of this nonsense! Match time for you!
The Rednecks: We’re goin’ to give you a country whoopin!

Triple H: Hey guys! How is your Aunt Mom?
The Rednecks: Nobody talks about our Auntie Mommy like that!
:: Triple H wins ::
Carlito: I’m cool!
Brian Kendrick: London and I are even cooler!
Paul London: Not as cool as Cena’s opponent who will NOT be Snitsky… but rather…
Triple H: SHUT UP!

Beth Phoenix: I;m a Glamazon!
Melina: Heh… they must of realized I don’t know how to wrestle.
Jillian Hall: Hey, I can’t sing, and that’s my gimmick!
Mickie James: I’m the best wrestler, and now I’m relegated to background bouncy bouncy boobs action!
Candice Michelle: I’m champion because nobody can open a trenchcoat like me!
:: Candice & Mickie win ::
Beth Phoenix: I’m Chyna, only much more significantly better looking.
Chyna: Hey! You can’t be me unless you star in a porno with the 1-2-3 Kid!

WWE: For the love of god, buy The Condemned DVD! We lost so much money!

Mr. McMahon: Where’s my little bastard?
Coach: You scarred him for life!
Hornswoggle: Hey, nobody gets in front of me and my Lucky… dammit. I’m so fucking tired of the Lucky Charms. I mean seriously, I’m more of a Fruit Loops kind of guy. Toucan Sam is my idol… just be like him and FOLLOW YOUR NOSE!
: Okay Snitsky, get your ass out here.
Santino Marella: Ya! Wa! Woo! YAHOOOO! Waha!
John Cena: Snitsky, you shrunk and became a horrible representation of Mario!
Santino Marella: Mario Lopez?
Mario Lopez: Nobody gets in front of me and my mama, Jesse!
Randy Orton: That’s it! Nobody picks on my best fiend!
:: John Cena wins by DQ ::
Coach: SWERVE! Orton vs. Your Pappy is still on!

John Cena

Randy Orton: I went to the back and waited for my music to play this time!
Pappy Cena: Well, shiit.
Crowd: I paid $30 for this to be my main event?
Cody Rhodes: I agree! This sucks!
:: Randy Orton wins by DQ ::
John Cena: AGH! I knaw off the bottom rope to free myself!
Randy Orton: God dammit! I plan was halfways foiled! I still got my RKO on YOUR PAPPY!
Crowd: YOU CAN’T WRESTLE!

:: Credits roll ::

———–
- What a shitty shitty main event choice! That kind of thing should be reserved for the 9:00 to 9:15 segment. Here’s my question, when are we getting a real main event? When all the wrestlers return or something? Come on, the roster isn’t THAT badly depleted. I would have settled for Cena and Santino going for more than the 30 seconds they were in the damn ring.

- Davairi/Duggan? Seriously… what kind of shit is that? At least we had a total of ONE good match with Hardy/ Benjamin.

- I have NO idea where the Hornswoggle, Vince McMahon thing is supposed to go at this point. I think they should turn Hornswoggle into Vince’s mini-me. Even letting him make matches, fire people, and what not. Have him do the Vince Power-Walk. Good times. Vince is a physical comedic genius…. probably more so than he is a wrestling genius.

- Beth Phoenix… the Glamazon thing is cool. If it means more GOOD woman’s wrestlers, I’m all for it.

- Seriously, who gives a fuck about The Diva Search. The first one started off bad but ended up being actually compelling at the very end. The second one was blah. You KNEW who was going to win the third one after the first week. However, they all got some screen time to establish themselves. This one, while I’d rather have it online because the concept is retarded to begin with, I’m not going to take the time to watch any of that crap. When the contest winner does win, they’ll be terminated within a year because they never got a chance to establish themselves on screen like the other Diva Search peeps. With all the suspensions, I think they could cut into Vince’s 45 minute scheduled weekly screen time a bit to get us to care about the competitors a bit.

Till next time!

RJ45