Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 10.22.2007
Kennedy: What the fuck, how did I get here in the middle of the ring? Well, thank god because that last place I was at was absolutely horrible…
:: Kennedy begins to flash back ::
:: Kennedy’s flash back begins when he wakes up in a dark room with a weird contraption around his neck ::
Kennedy: WHAT THE FUCK?! What kind of a fucking rib is this? Where is JBL? I’ll kick his ass!
:: A clown puppet appears on a television ::
Clown Puppet on TV: Hello Kennedy, I want to play a game…
:: End Flashback ::
Kennedy: Anyway… shiit… I have a microphone. Hey, vote for me this Sunday!
Jeff Hardy: NO! VOTE FOR ME!
Randy Orton: VOTE FOR ME!
HBK: Hey dipshit, you’re already in the match!
Brian Kendrick: WOO!
Paul London: WOO!
Mickie James: Hey guys, wait for me!
Trevor Murdoch: I love cheese!
Lance Cade: I love swiss cheese!
Melina: I love wrestling… even if I am not good at it!
:: Kendrick/London/Mickie win! ::
Mickie James: Wait, I won? I am so confused! What the hell? Guys! What happened? OMG! OLOLOL!!!!1eleventy-one.
Cody Rhodes: Hey Haas & Benjamin! I was thinking after the show we can play a couple of rounds of Halo…
Shelton Benjamin: Hey Cody! You lost to Bob Holly! NENER NENER NENER!
Charlie Haas: OH SNAP!
Cody Rhodes: ?
Coach: Hey Regal, despite all logic and common sense pointing you in a different direction, lets book Hornswoggle vs. Ooh-Manga!
William Regal: Sure, okay…
Cody: I will not lose!
Shelton Benjamin: Will too!
Cody: Will not!
:: Cody wins ::
Billy Bob Holly: Let’s even up the odds!
Charlie Haas: Hey Holly! If you love Cody so much, why don’t you fornicate with him!
Billy Bob Holly: Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I’ve never fornicated anybody.
Harry Smith: I AM THE SON OF THE BRITISH F’N BULLDOG! I dedicate this match to him!
Carlito: Well, your father will be rolling in his grave because YOU WILL LOSE… D.H. Smith!
D. H. Smith: Oh…. I guess I have a new name now! Well… doesn’t matter! Because I will kick your ass with the power of the bulldog!
:: D. H. Smith wins! ::
Beth Phoenix: You will be on your knees!
Candice Michelle: No, I want you on your knees!
Director Off Camera: Uhh… don’t get too graphic. Remember, this is Cinemax, not the internet!
Beth Phoenix: Well, then can we at least get some Skinamax music?!
Candice Michelle: Yeah, its hard to do simulated sex without it!
Umaga: GRRR! EVIL NASTY TONGUE!
Hornswoggle: Awww, shucks, boss… I don’t want to fight Ooh-Manga!
Coach: BUT YOU WILL… for I am EEVVVIILLL!!!
Umaga: INDEED!
Triple H: Well, I am even more evil! So, let the famous mainstream wrestler fight the Samoan guy in a pull apart brawl! That has never been done before…
Jeff Jarrett: Dammit, we had that booked on this week’s show, too!
Toad Grisham: One of these girls are going away! Will it be the Stacy Keibler Look-a-Like? Will it be the Victoria Look-a-Like? Or will it be the Asian? And while I try to do my best Miz impersonation and totally failing… the loser is The Asian!
Asian: I am so saaaad!
Toad Grisham: Okay, since everybody visited WWE.com throughout the weeks, we are only giving these chicks 30 seconds to explain to you why they should win since you will be stuck with them on your TV set and there is nothing you can do about it! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Stacy Keibler Look-a-Like: WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO! I have really skinny arms! WOO! WOO! WOO!
Victoria Look-a-Like: I personally believe that, U.S. Americans are unable to do so, because some… people out there in our nation that don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should… our education over here in the U.S., should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.., for our children…
Maria: YIPEE SKIPPY!
Santino Marella: You see this magazine! Andre the Fresh Giant is in it! Well, I will open a cup of ass whip on Stone Cold!
Maria: You are putting whipped cream on him?
Santino Marella: What the hell are you talking about?
Maria: Well, when I was 17, my boyfriend said that in order for me to lose weight, I was to get Ass Whip, which is the same thing as Miracle Whip, put on my…
Santino Marella: NEVER MIND! I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!
Save_Us.222: I’M COMING BACK!
Ron Simmons: DAMN!
:: Ron Simmons wins ::
Beth Phoenix: You will lose.
Candice Michelle: Huh?
:: Beth Phoenix wins first fall ::
Beth Phoenix: I must break you.
Candice Michelle: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
:: Candice falls off the turnbuckle onto her fucking face ::
:: Beth Phoenix wins ::
Beth Phoenix: If she dies… she dies.
Kennedy: MIISSSTTTTEERRR POWER!
Randy Orton: RAR! EVIL CHAMPION POWER!
Jeff Hardy: Rainbow Hair Warrior Power!
HBK: RECEDING HAIR LINE POWER!
:: Jeff & HBK wins! ::
::credits roll ::
RJ45’s Perspective:
- Damn, that was one NASTY fall from Candice. She has really improved a lot this year and I can honestly say is a top candidate for the ”Most Improved Wrestler” award of 2007. I am glad she only broke her collar bone because she came within centimeters of being paralyzed.
- Okay, who will win the Diva contest? Probably the Stacy Keibler Look-a-Like. If she doesn’t win, she’ll probably get hired on anyway because they’ve been wanting to replace the void that Stacy left over a year ago.
- Yes! HARRY FUCKIN’ SMITH DEBUTS! Not crazy about his “DH Smith” name, but I am sure it will grow on me. The mannerisms he had were so creepy in terms of resembling his father (especially when he sold the chop in the corner), it was pretty scary. It pisses me off that Teddy Hart fucked his opportunity up AGAIN, but maybe we can still ge tthe rest of the third generation Harts in the WWE one in form or another. Next up, lets see TJ Wilson!
- Overall, a boring Raw. I contemplated either going to sleep before the main event or hanging around. I hung around. I almost fell asleep on the couch midway until Harry Smith showed up on the screen, and that is when I woke up for another half an our.
Cyber Sunday Predictions:
- Randy Orton will face Shawn Michaels / Winner: HBK by DQ or a No Contest
- CM Punk will face Big Daddy V / Winner: CM Punk
- Batista vs. Undertaker / Guest Ref will be Stone Cold / Winner: Batista
- Triple H vs. Umaga / Stips will be Cage Match / Winner: Triple H
- Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay / Stips will be (Insert Object) on a Pole Match / Winner: Rey Mysterio
- Matt Hardy vs. MVP / Stips will be MMA / Winner: Matt Hardy
- Diva Halloween Costume Contest / Winner: Maria
- Stone Cold will deliver The Stone Cold Stunner to Santino Marella in a 10 minute interview segment
In Other News:
- WWE fired Krystal. Well, that’s retarded considering how much time they spent building up the Teddy/Krystal storyline.
- SmackDown and ECW are merging. Good thing. ECW doesn’t have enough TV time. SmackDown doesn’t have enough superstars. There ya go! I guess WWE is going to hold out on whether they renew their TV deal with Sci-Fi. If they don’t, say bye bye to ECW! At least they actually have a long term plan in the case it doesn’t renew! SHEESH!
TILL NEXT TIME!
RJ45
Posted in Raw Abridged Recap |