Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 06.16.2008
JR: By gawd, boomer sooner! BBQ SAUCE! Night of Champions will have the long awaited rematch of Triple H vs. John Cena. This time… Its NOT Personal! GOVERNMENT MULE!
John Cena: John Cena vs. Triple H is a poor man’s Andre the Giant vs. Hulk Hogan!
Audience: Yeah, a VERY poor man’s Andre the Giant vs. Hulk Hogan!
Triple H: Yada yada yada… blah blah blah…
Mr. McMahon: Money money money! By the way, John Cena… you have a SURPRISE opponent that NOBODY will ever guess.
Audience: Umaga
Mr. McMahon: UMAGA!
Triple H: Good luck! Don’t get hurt! You promised me dinner and a movie after the show!
Umaga: GRRR!!
John Cena: Watch me have a wicked street fight that doesn’t involve any actual weapons being used outside of a weak microphone shot!
:: John Cena wins ::
Mr. McMahon: I suck at technology.
Random Guy: Hi!
Mr. McMahon: You win money!
Random Guy: BARK BARK BARK!
Trish Stratus: Hey, that’s my bit!
Maria: Bikini Beach Blow Out! He he he he!
Eve Torres: Who?
Jillian, Layla: Lena Yada, Maryse: NO ENTRANCES!
Melina: I’m hotter as a face instead of a heel.
Charlie Haas: I’M CHARLIE HAAS! Damn my career sucks right now. On with the dancing in bikinis! The person with the cutest bikini
Audience: ‘Cute bikini?’ Charlie Haas IS GAY!
Melina: I can dance!
Maryse: I can’t dance!
Lena Yada: I can’t dance!
Layla: I’m a dancing fool!
Jillian: I CAN SIIINNG!
Eve Torres: I can kind of dance! But I support the troops!
Maria: I can kind of dance too… BUT, hey guys, remember these tits from Playboy?!
:: MARIA WINS ::
Lena Yada: Hey guys, don’t we normally do something after these competitions?
Melina: I think so, but I can’t remember what.
:: Commercials arrive ::
Layla: CAT FIGHT! That’s what was in the script. DAMMIT!
Mr. McMahon: I still suck at technology…
Chris Jericho: I did good in my Barber Shop segment last week, didn’t I RANDOM MAKE-UP LADY!
Random Make-Up Lady: I no English speaking…
Mr. McMahon: Okay, since I suck at technology, I went to the back and found a guy who will probably look even dumber than me!
Jim Duggan: HOOOOOOOO!!!! Well, good ole Hacksaw can actually use one of them telephones! HOOOOO!!!
Random Person #1: ANSWERING MACHINE!
Random Person #2: SUCK IT!
Carlito: Well, it looks like I’m jobbing for the next 10 years…
Jeff Hardy: Ha! Way to look even more like a douchebag on the internet than I did before Wrestlemania!
:: Jeff Hardy wins ::
Mr. McMahon: More pointless money giving away crap!
Chris Jericho: I did what I did to punish all of you for sins!
Ric Flair: WOOO!
:: Audience collectively shits their pants ::
Ric Flair: I may be retired, but lets go to the back and fight!
:: Inconvenient commercial break ::
Ric Flair: COME ON!
Chris Jericho: I will slowly follow you…
Triple H: I don’t think so!
Chris Jericho: This isn’t your battle!
Triple H: IT IS NOW.
Ric Flair: Boy, don’t be fighting my battles.
Triple H: Hey, HBK is my friend too.
Mr. McMahon: Ric Flair, GO HOME.
Cryme Tyme: We like that money money!
Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly: We’ve been having team dissention!
Ted Dibease Jr: DISTRACTION!
:: Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly wins ::
Mr. McMahon: Becky from North Carolina wins $16!!!! WOOO!
Katie Lea & Paul Burchill: Brother and Sister!
Mr. Kennedy & Mickie James: Two random people!
:: Katie Lea & Paul Burchill wins ::
Mr. McMahon: Hi Alana! You win $174,984!
Alana: OMG! LIEK! OMG! ITS MR. MCMAHON! YOU LIEK, TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BEBES!!!!
Mr. McMahon: Peter, can you give me the correct password?
Peter: Yes, I can….
John Cena: Triple H, don’t get hurt… because tonight we are going to eat at the Olive Garden, and here is two tickets for us to see GUYS AND DOLLS!
Triple H: YIPEE! SKIPPY!
Mr. McMahon: Hello random person.
Random Person: Vince McMahon… I love you.
Mr. McMahon: Uhhh….. well, isn’t this awkward.
JR: BY GAWD! BOOMER SOONER! Man love! Heheheheh! BBQ SAUCE! SCOLDED DOG!
Chris Jericho: I’m a huge dickhead!
Triple H: ITS CLOBBERING TIME! HULK SMASH!
Lance Cade: Its time to make a statement!
:: Triple H wins by DQ ::
John Cena: WTF? Lance Cade?
Lance Cade: YEAH!
Chris Jericho: Cade and I… We stand tall!
RJ45’s Perspective:
- Those Million Dollar Giveaway segments weren’t as brutal as last week’s. This week, Vince actually interacted with the winners and they actually seemed to care that they won! Still, if Vince thinks this is going to help the ratings, he is SADLY mistaken.Just like in the mid-90s, it isn’t one thing that’s going to bring up the ratings. Its a collective team effort.
In 1998… it took a format change for Monday Night Raw to RAW is WAR (Which happened in early 1997). Stone Cold Steve Austin being let loose as the top dog. The Mr. McMahon character formed. Undertaker vs. Kane had their thing going along with Mick Foley growing into a main eventer. The Rock developed his character. D-Generation X began their tear. They resigned Sean Waltman to a contract and made Sable into a Playboy bunny. Ken Shamrock, Al Snow, and even fucking Gillberg helped the WWE rise. JR taking over Vince McMahon’s old job and becoming the voice of the Raw. AND the Mike Tyson thing that drew publicity.
There were no conests. There wasn’t just one celebrity appearance that the entire show focused around. It was EVERYBODY. It was good storytelling and good matches that brought on the Attitude era. And it didn’t happen over night, either. It took a long time. Word had to get out. Characters had to develop. It took patience, but it worked.
- The Lance Cade thing was kind of random, but WWE has been badly needing to promote new guys to the main event as they have been riding on the Randy Orton/Triple H/John Cena/Batista/Undertaker/Edge/HBK Express for close to 3 years now. That is why people are excited over guys like Jeff Hardy finally breaking the proverbial glass ceiling. Is Lance Cade the right guy? We’ll find out. Either way, I applaud the WWE for taking a chance, for once. I personally hope he is, cause it might convince the WWE to take more chances.
- One of the other things WWE needs to work on… Jeff Hardy vs. Carlito was a spectacular match. But, what was it about? What was it for? What’s Carlito’s story? Were they feuding? That’s the kind of things WWE needsd to figure out in EVERY SEGMENT and not just put in filler, although good filler in this case.
- Prediction: Ted Dibease Jr’s partner is… CODY RHODES. SWERVE!
- The bikini contest was all find and dandy, but when are the divas going to wear thongs again? Ahh… the good old days…
Till next time!
RJ45
Posted in Raw Abridged Recap |