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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 06.30.2008: CM PUNK WINS!

July 1st, 2008 by RJ45

Shane McMahon: Yeah, Vince is injured, but we aren’t telling ya anything, bitches!

Jim Ross: Farewell everyone!

Edge: I don’t think so! You do not get a farewell address! Edge Heads, escort Mister Ross out of here!

Edge Heads: With pleasure!

Edge: Alright, just so you all know, this title will never be defended against any RAW people, and this is my last RAW appearance! Ha ha ha ha nener nener, RAW has no Heavyweight Champion!

Batista: I’m pissed off!

Edge: Shiiiit!

Batista: It’s beat down time!

Killswitch Engage: EVEN THROUGH THE DARKEST DAYS! THIS FIRE BURNS… ALWAYS!

CM Punk: Money in the Bank!

CM Punk: Ref, start the f’ing match!

Ref: But we have to announce it first!
CM Punk: Fuck, who gives a shit?! Everyone knows what’s going on!

Lillian Garcia: This match is for the World Title!

CM Punk: START THE F’N MATCH!

Ref: Hold your horses, I need to swing my arm.

CM Punk: Swing the damn thing already!

Time Keeper: Ding ding ding!

CM Punk: GO TO SLEEP EDGE!

:: The winner and NEEEEWWWWW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CM PUNK! ::

Every Internet Wrestling Community Member: :: Cums in their pants ::

Edge: Wha… what happened? Wait a minute… did he just cash Money in the Bank? THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!

John Cena & The Undertaker: Yeah, tell us about it… EDGE.

Mickie James: I am still the champion!
Jillian: LISTEN TO ME SIIINNNGGG!!

Mickie James: HULK SMASH!

:: Mickie James wins ::

Rey Mysterio: My life was on SmackDown. Now its on Raw!
Santino Marella: You a midget. Why are you wearing a mask? Are you Batman?

Rey Mysterio: Oh shit, its on! 619!

CM Punk: I’m so happy!

JBL: Stop being happy! Instead, lets have a match… TONIGHT!

CM Punk: Sounds good!

John Cena: That’s bogus that JBL gets a shot! I want a shot!
JBL: Martial Law! I’m in charge since I have moneyz. Here is my security force.

Security Force: Lot of angry black men here and a few white men too.

JBL: Get him outta here! Since kicking someone out of the building has worked EVERY TIME in the past, I am confident that this will work too.

Darren Wade: My biggest inspiration in wrestling is Duane Gill!

Steve Anthony: My biggest inspiration in wrestling is Barry Horowitz!

Cody Rhodes: COCKY!

Ted Dibiase Jr: PRICELESS!

:: Cody & Teddy Jr win ::

Cody Rhodes: When I am a heel, I sound a lot like my older brother on the microphone! Oh yeah, and Hardcore Holly is a stinky poo. I had to ditch his old ass!
Ted Dibiase Jr: And I sound just like my father on the microhpone! Oh yeah, and the new generation of people are spineless! We aren’t!

Paul Burchill: I am leaving for a moment Katie Lea!

Katie Lea: Okay!
Jamie Noble: Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Jaime Noble!
Katie Lea: Stand up for something!

Jamie Noble: I will stand up to the biggest guy right now!
Kane: How about me?!

Jamie Noble: KNOCK KNOCK!
Kane: You are trying to do a Knock Knock joke? ITS CLOBBERIN TIME!

Chris Jericho: HBK is bad. Blah blah blah!

Kofi Kingston: I will be Jamaican you crazy!

Chris Jericho: Meet my deadly handfull of tights!
Ref: DQ!
:: Kofi Kingston wins by DQ ::

Chris Jericho: THE FUCK?! That’s it. Kofi, time for mwah to punch your eye out!
Kofi Kingston: OWIE!

:: Earlier Tonight ::
Edge: Edge Heads, its your fault I lost!
Karma: I beg to differ!
Edge: QUIET YOU! Now, Edge heads, let me slap you around and then drive! Remember, if anybody asks!
Edge Heads: We know, we fell down the stairs… yada yada yada…

JBL: I’m going to win tonight! Here is my security!
JBL Security: A bunch of a angry black men and a few white men! Its diversity, ya know.
CM Punk: Shit, he’s probably right! I mean, since when does WWE do anything that the fans actually appreciate?
Cena & Cryme Tyme: Not if we have anything to say about it!

:: CM PUNK WINS!!! THANK GOD! ::

RJ45’s Perspective:

For the highlight reel of 2008, CM Punk’s victory will be at the top of the list as one of the most fun moments ever.
For people who say that CM Punk’s win was cheap. I beg to differ. It was excellent storyline that served some poetic justice. Two times, Edge has cashed in Money in the Bank when the champion had just had the shit kicked out of him. Now, the shoe is on the other foot and its not quite as fun when it happens to you. Its karma and I think it made for great television.

Will CM Punk stay champion? Probably not, but I hope so. After Chris Benoit, drug scandals, injuries, etc… someone like CM Punk is perfect for company image. He doesn’t do drugs or drink alcohol… but he isn’t a good two shoes either.
Either than anything involving CM Punk, this RAW seriously lacked. Only 5 matches (if you count Punk/Edge)? My wife was “Just wrestle already! When are they going to stop talking?! Its getting boring!”
That is a casual fan, too. So, I know that it isn’t just the smarks who tire of nonstop talking!
I like the duo of Ted/Cody. We need to get Orton involved. Change Deuce over to a Son of Jimmy Snuka deal. Maybe get DH Smith in there, and you have an potentially awesome stable!
Jericho has really been half assing it in the ring lately, especially against Kofi, who is a marvelous wrestler. On the mic and in character, he is still gold. The HBK/Jericho/Cade angle is going well and I hope it continues to.
The Jamie Noble thing was pointless and didn’t really accomplish jack shit.
Mysterio/Santino thing was entertaining and I’d like to see those two have a match.
JBL Security… what the fuck? I hate this whole martial law crap and hope that WWE drops that storyline soon or get more entertaining workers in the mix. Cryme Tyme was a good start, though.
This episode showed that RAW is going in a whole new and totally awesome direction. I guess they had to spend time starting a bunch of all new storylines. Maybe next week we will have more wrestling?