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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 07.14.2008

July 15th, 2008 by RJ45

Last Week: Is he alive or dead?!

Shane & Stephanie: We are disappointed in all of you! We’re watching. If anarchy continues, consequences will occur!

HBK & Jericho: Holy shit, how did we get here?! Oh well, lets fight!

Kane: Cole, I AM SORRY! I’M SOOOO SORRY!

Michael Cole: Ummm… okay

Mickie James: The wonderful thing about Mickies, is Mickies are wonderful things! Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs! They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy! Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Mickies is… I’m the only one!

Katie Lea Burchill: I’m drop dead gooorrggeeoouss!!

:: Mickie James wins ::

Paul Burchill: NO WAY! MY SISTER LOST TO MICKIE?! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!

Kofi Kingston: How about I just go Jamaican You KERAZY!

Paul Burchill: That’s it, we wrestle now!

Kofi Kingston: Sounds good!

:: Kofi Kingston ::

Paul Burchill: DAMMIT! I lost again!

Santino Marella: Striker, tonight I challenge anyone!

Matt Striker: Fascinating!

Kane: WHERE IS CM PUNK?

Santino Marella: Did you try the Pepsi Machine?

Kane: GRRR!!

Kane: CM Punk, I want a match!
CM Punk: Sounds good!

T-Grish: Cena, what kind of match is a parking lot brawl?!

John Cena: Its a brawl… in a parking lot!

T-Grish: …

John Cena: SO WATCH’YA GOIN TO DO BROTHER WHEN THE CENESTERS AND CENAMANIA RUN WILD ALL OVER YOOOUUU?!

Santino: Come on anyone, get out here!
Beth Phoenix: HOW ABOUT ME?!

Santino Aww crap, not Chyna!
:: Beth Phoenix wins ::

Kelly Kelly: STREEETTCH!

Kelly Kelly: I’m very very hot.

Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase Jr: But we are Simply Priceless!

Jim Duggan: HOOO!!! You got growing up to do! HOO!!!

Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase Jr: You are pathetic, and you need to grow up, too!

JBL: I agree, so Cody & Ted, join me in the main event!

CM Punk: Its go time!
Kane: ME SO ANGRY!
:: CM Punk wins by countout! ::

Kane: BEAT DOWN TIME!

Batista: I don’t think so!
CM Punk: Well thanks buddy!

Batista: I’m not your buddy!
CM Punk: HOW?! Dammit, I am pissed off! LET ME PUSH YOU!
Batista: EAT SPINEBUSTER!

Chris Jericho: I am a serious man!
Lance Cade: And I am double serious!
Paul London: What the hell? How did I get here?!
:: Chris Jericho wins … DUH! ::

Chris Jericho: London, make a choice for your career! Don’t be like the liar, Shawn Michaels!
Shawn Michaels: No, you’re the liar, you big meanie!

Jamie Noble: Layla, we could be a couple!
Layla: I don’t date shorties!
Jamie Noble: I will have you know that, statistically, the man’s average erected penis length is 5 to 7 inches!
Layla: Ummm… that’s not what I am talking about. But take on the next guy you see to show that you have a pair below Mr. Average!
Snitsky: NASTY TEETH MAN!
Jamie Noble: Brush your teeth!
Snitsky: SNITSY SMASH!

JBL & Simply Priceless: Priceless… we’re simply priceless.. and we have moneyz too!

John Cena & Cryme Tyme: We’re all pretend thugs!
:: John Cena & Cryme Tyme win by DQ ::

JBL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

John Cena: That’s it, I am going to do the idiotic thing and chase a heel out of an arena. Nothing bad has EVER come of this.

JBL: My car… TO YOUR FACE!

John Cena: SHIIIT!
JBL: Shit. I done fucked up…

:: credits roll ::

RJ45’s Perspective:

A lot more wrestling this week. Thank you WWE, and you managed to balance that well with angles and interviews, as well.
Oddly, I buy Beth Phoenix as a more credible threat in the men’s division than I ever did Chyna. I’d like to see more of that. The fans totally ate it up too!
The good news is that our annual “Kane Goes Crazy” storyline is actually compelling. Who is dead or alive? What’s in the bag?
The storylines are actually heading somewhere! Anarchy on the RAW roster which will lead to no doubt either the return of William Regal as GM or them naming SOMEBODY ELSE as GM. William Regal as GM/Commission/etc has been done to death. I’d like to see one of the following as GM: Jim Ross, a Diva, Santino Marella, Matt Striker, or even Jerry Lawler. Something different is always cool.
CM Punk posing as no credible threat is NOT the way to get his reign off to a good start. Hopefully a win over Batista might fix that… or else, Batista is walking out this Sunday with the title.

Great American Bash Predictions:

World Championship

CM Punk vs. Batista

Predicted Winner: CM Punk

WWE Championship

Triple H vs. Edge

Predicted Winner: No Contest or a DQ on one of the side’s parts

ECW Championship

Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

Predicted Winner: Mark Henry

NYC Parking Lot Brawl

JBL vs. John Cena