Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 09.01.2008: Scramble Royals!
In Memory of Killer Kowalski
Randy Orton: Ever since I fell off my tricycle, and ever since Triple H broke my collar, which that was a really good shirt he did it on, by the way… I have seen RAW become a Joke. All of the champions are a joke. Your momma is a joke, and so is YOUR FACE!
CM Punk: I am not a joke!
JBL: Blah blah blah blah… wrestling god… blah blah blah…
Kane: DESTRUCTION!
Batista: Batista SMASH!
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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 08.26.2008: One Night Only on Sci-Fi!
Sorry for the lack of posts the recent weeks. It has been crazy at work and so I’ve just had that weighed down at me. Hopefully I can continue now with my regularly scheduled posting. 
CM Punk: Alright, this is my opening interview!
Lillian Garcia: Ummm no… you have a match?
CM Punk: A match?
JBL: Alright, I am coming out to interrupt CM Punk’s opening interview!
CM Punk: A match?
JBL: Alright, I am coming out to interrupt CM Punk’s opening interview!
Lillian Garcia: NO! ITS A MATCH!
CM Punk: A match opening Raw, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
JBL: Lets have a kick ass match. Raw hardly ever has one of those.
CM Punk: Sounds good to me…
:: CM Punk wins ::
Dipshit Fans: C M .. .P N U K!
Mike Adamle: John Cena broke his NECKS… so there will be a replacement that is worthwhile.
Kane: I like pain. Rey Mysterio is a punk.
Mike Adamle: Welcome Primo! You are Carlito’s brother. Me sorry about last week.
Primo Colon: That’s okay, but don’t compare me to my jerk brother, Carlito! PUH-LEEZ.
Shawn Michaels: I want Jericho… TONIGHT!
Mike Adamle: He’s not here. How’s the wife?
Shawn Michaels: You’re a douche…
Beth Phoenix: I’m Chyna… only better looking, better wrestler, better mic skills…
Santino Marella: AND BETTER FUCKING!
Beth Phoenix: …
Kelly Kelly: Let me accidentally bust open your nose…
Santino Marella: I object this busting of noses!
Beth Phoenix: Stay out of my match!
:: Kelly Kelly wins ::
Santino Marella: Something tells me that tonight is a sleep on the couch night
Beth Phoenix: No, something tells me that tonight is a I Beat the Shit Out of You Night
Charlito: Hint hint… I’m not really Carlito… I’m Charlie Haas
Primo Colon: You insult my family and my honor… I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!
Charlito: Uhh…
:: Primo Colon wins ::
HBK: I am angry. Jericho! I want your bloooooood.
Y2J: I will hurt you.
HBK: I will hurt you.
Y2J: NO! I will hurt YOOUUUUUUU.
HBK: I want a match
Y2J: But… I will hurt you…are you sure?
HBK: Dude, you hit my wife, what the fuck do you think?
Y2J: Okay, if you insist… but I will HURT YOU.
Simply Priceless: We want our tag titles back!
Jerry Lawler: I want my molecules back!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOO!!!!
:: Simply Priceless wins ::
Cryme Tyme: We want a match at Unforgiven!
Simply Priceless: You’re on! It will be priceless.
Cryme Tyme: Silly rabbit… TRIX ARE FOR KIDS! MONEY MONEY! YEAH! YEAH!
Batista: Me sorry Cena. Kane, this… personal… BATISTA SMASH!
Santino Marella: Watch out, my girlfriend can kick my ass!
Kofi Kingston: Ya mon! This Jamaican will kick your butt!
Santino Marella: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Beth Phoenix: I don’t think so
Santino Marella: NO!!!
Beth Phoenix: SWERVE! I take out Kofi!
:: Santino Marella wins ::
Beth Phoenix: How can I stay mad at you… my Italian Stallion!
Santino Marella: You not mad? THANK GOD!
Mike Adamle: Your replacement for the Championship Scramble is… REY MYSTERIO!
Batista: THIS… PERSONAL!
Kane: I enjoy pain! In fact, EAT CHAIR!
:: Batista wins by DQ ::
Batista: You…Eat… CHAIR! SMASH! GRR!
:: credits roll ::
RJ45’s Perspective:
- I’m calling it right here… Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho is the Feud of the Year.
- Is it slightly scary that Jim Duggan & Jerry Lawler are still slightly better workers than some of the n00bs WWE has brought in recently?
- Isn’t it a little funny that the tag team title match at Unforgiven is The Two Absolute Whitest Guys on the Roster Right Down to Their Theme Song vs. The Ultra Negative African American Racial Stereotypes?
- Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix have great chemistry.
- The championship scramble matches will go in one of four directions:
A. Be a lot of crazy fun
B. Be a huge confusing clusterfuck
C. Be boring.
D. A health combination of both A & BI am going to with D, personally.
Till next time, folks!
RJ45
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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 08.04.2008: An Adamle Original
Mike Adamle: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! Tonight, 3 title matches!
JBL: I want a title shot!
Jericho: NO! I WANT A TITLE SHOT!
Mike Adamle: Okay bitches, tonight, we have a handicap match for number one contendership!
Kofi Kingston: Ya mon!
Paul Burchill: Incest is best to put your sister to the test…
Kofi Kingston: Dude, that’s just weird. Even if she’s your pretend sister…
:: Kofi wins ::
Katie Lea: GRR! NOBODY BEATS MY HANDSOME BROTHER
Katie Lea: GRR! NOBODY BEATS MY HANDSOME BROTHER
Mickie James: RUN IN TIME!
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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 07.28.2008: Mike Adamle is the New GM
Sorry for missing last week’s edition. I just had a “I just don’t feel like it” week.
Cena: Check out my new shirt.
Crowd: BOOO!
Cena: Is that Boo or Boo-Urns?
Crowd: BOO!
Cena: That’s right, Batista lives here.
Cena: That’s right, Batista lives here.
Batista: That’s right, I do live here.
Cena: Lets wrestle!
Shane-O-Mac: NOT SO FAST! Tonight, our new GM made a tag match with you two versus Kane and JBL.
Shane-O-Mac: NOT SO FAST! Tonight, our new GM made a tag match with you two versus Kane and JBL.
Cena: Say… …WHHAAAT?!
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Monday Night Raw ABRIDGED 07.14.2008
Last Week: Is he alive or dead?!
Shane & Stephanie: We are disappointed in all of you! We’re watching. If anarchy continues, consequences will occur!
HBK & Jericho: Holy shit, how did we get here?! Oh well, lets fight!
Kane: Cole, I AM SORRY! I’M SOOOO SORRY!
Michael Cole: Ummm… okay
Mickie James: The wonderful thing about Mickies, is Mickies are wonderful things! Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs! They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy! Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Mickies is… I’m the only one!
But the most wonderful thing about Mickies is… I’m the only one!
Katie Lea Burchill: I’m drop dead gooorrggeeoouss!!
:: Mickie James wins ::
Paul Burchill: NO WAY! MY SISTER LOST TO MICKIE?! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Kofi Kingston: How about I just go Jamaican You KERAZY!
Paul Burchill: That’s it, we wrestle now!
Kofi Kingston: Sounds good!
:: Kofi Kingston ::
Paul Burchill: DAMMIT! I lost again!
Santino Marella: Striker, tonight I challenge anyone!
Matt Striker: Fascinating!
Kane: WHERE IS CM PUNK?
Santino Marella: Did you try the Pepsi Machine?
Kane: GRRR!!
Kane: CM Punk, I want a match!
CM Punk: Sounds good!
CM Punk: Sounds good!
T-Grish: Cena, what kind of match is a parking lot brawl?!
John Cena: Its a brawl… in a parking lot!
T-Grish: …
John Cena: SO WATCH’YA GOIN TO DO BROTHER WHEN THE CENESTERS AND CENAMANIA RUN WILD ALL OVER YOOOUUU?!
Santino: Come on anyone, get out here!
Beth Phoenix: HOW ABOUT ME?!
Beth Phoenix: HOW ABOUT ME?!
Santino Aww crap, not Chyna!
:: Beth Phoenix wins ::
:: Beth Phoenix wins ::
Kelly Kelly: STREEETTCH!
Kelly Kelly: I’m very very hot.
Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase Jr: But we are Simply Priceless!
Jim Duggan: HOOO!!! You got growing up to do! HOO!!!
Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase Jr: You are pathetic, and you need to grow up, too!
JBL: I agree, so Cody & Ted, join me in the main event!
CM Punk: Its go time!
Kane: ME SO ANGRY!
:: CM Punk wins by countout! ::
Kane: ME SO ANGRY!
:: CM Punk wins by countout! ::
Kane: BEAT DOWN TIME!
Batista: I don’t think so!
CM Punk: Well thanks buddy!
CM Punk: Well thanks buddy!
Batista: I’m not your buddy!
CM Punk: HOW?! Dammit, I am pissed off! LET ME PUSH YOU!
Batista: EAT SPINEBUSTER!
CM Punk: HOW?! Dammit, I am pissed off! LET ME PUSH YOU!
Batista: EAT SPINEBUSTER!
Chris Jericho: I am a serious man!
Lance Cade: And I am double serious!
Paul London: What the hell? How did I get here?!
:: Chris Jericho wins … DUH! ::
Lance Cade: And I am double serious!
Paul London: What the hell? How did I get here?!
:: Chris Jericho wins … DUH! ::
Chris Jericho: London, make a choice for your career! Don’t be like the liar, Shawn Michaels!
Shawn Michaels: No, you’re the liar, you big meanie!
Shawn Michaels: No, you’re the liar, you big meanie!
Jamie Noble: Layla, we could be a couple!
Layla: I don’t date shorties!
Jamie Noble: I will have you know that, statistically, the man’s average erected penis length is 5 to 7 inches!
Layla: Ummm… that’s not what I am talking about. But take on the next guy you see to show that you have a pair below Mr. Average!
Snitsky: NASTY TEETH MAN!
Jamie Noble: Brush your teeth!
Snitsky: SNITSY SMASH!
Layla: I don’t date shorties!
Jamie Noble: I will have you know that, statistically, the man’s average erected penis length is 5 to 7 inches!
Layla: Ummm… that’s not what I am talking about. But take on the next guy you see to show that you have a pair below Mr. Average!
Snitsky: NASTY TEETH MAN!
Jamie Noble: Brush your teeth!
Snitsky: SNITSY SMASH!
JBL & Simply Priceless: Priceless… we’re simply priceless.. and we have moneyz too!
John Cena & Cryme Tyme: We’re all pretend thugs!
:: John Cena & Cryme Tyme win by DQ ::
:: John Cena & Cryme Tyme win by DQ ::
JBL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
John Cena: That’s it, I am going to do the idiotic thing and chase a heel out of an arena. Nothing bad has EVER come of this.
JBL: My car… TO YOUR FACE!
John Cena: SHIIIT!
JBL: Shit. I done fucked up…
JBL: Shit. I done fucked up…
:: credits roll ::
RJ45’s Perspective:
- A lot more wrestling this week. Thank you WWE, and you managed to balance that well with angles and interviews, as well.
- Oddly, I buy Beth Phoenix as a more credible threat in the men’s division than I ever did Chyna. I’d like to see more of that. The fans totally ate it up too!
- The good news is that our annual “Kane Goes Crazy” storyline is actually compelling. Who is dead or alive? What’s in the bag?
- The storylines are actually heading somewhere! Anarchy on the RAW roster which will lead to no doubt either the return of William Regal as GM or them naming SOMEBODY ELSE as GM. William Regal as GM/Commission/etc has been done to death. I’d like to see one of the following as GM: Jim Ross, a Diva, Santino Marella, Matt Striker, or even Jerry Lawler. Something different is always cool.
- CM Punk posing as no credible threat is NOT the way to get his reign off to a good start. Hopefully a win over Batista might fix that… or else, Batista is walking out this Sunday with the title.
Great American Bash Predictions:
World Championship
CM Punk vs. Batista
Predicted Winner: CM Punk
WWE Championship
Triple H vs. Edge
Predicted Winner: No Contest or a DQ on one of the side’s parts
ECW Championship
Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer
Predicted Winner: Mark Henry
NYC Parking Lot Brawl
JBL vs. John Cena
Predicted Winner: John Cena
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho
Predicted Winner: Chris Jericho
Divas Championship
Natayla Neidhart vs. Michelle McCool
Predicted Winner: Natalya Neidhart
Predicted Winner: Natalya Neidhart
Till next time!
RJ45
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